What I said:

I have a few things to say to you -- I don't know how you're going to take them or how harshly they're going to come out, but I have to say this anyway. You might be wondering why don't I just tell you in person, right? Have you ever wondered why we don't really talk to you anymore, and why, when we do, it feels very awkward? I don't really know how to say this without being harsh, so I'm just going to come right out and say it: we don't talk to you much for quite a few reasons.

The first is Lauren, not that it's her fault and that she's to blame. I say that the first is Lauren because for a while, you have seemed to be way more concerned with Lauren than anyone else. Take Tegan, or anyone else, as an example. You hardly talk to her, treat her like she's not there until you have no one else to talk to or you have nothing else to talk about, and basically disregard her altogether. Then, there was me. Before Friday, we hadn't really talked at all. The time before Friday that we talked was the day that Lauren had the doctor's appointment. Do you remember what you said? "Where's Lauren?" And I told you she was at a doctor's appointment. You said oh, then just walked off without saying anything else.

Well, I basically covered everything in that one paragraph. You ignore us, or don't even [try] to start a conversation with us. You can't expect everyone to initiate everything, and asking "do you hate me?" all the time does not count as initiating a conversation. I know that when people don't talk to you, it's unnerving -- don't think I don't get that. After all, when you walk past one of your friends, and they don't even acknowledge you until you're almost past them, it hurts. I know how it feels, because half the time, that's what you do. Your eyes are always trained on Lauren, and there's really nothing we can do about it but tell you what we think about it all.

By the way, if you don't expect anyone to answer "yes" when you ask if they hate you, that's living in a fantasy world. We don't hate you, no, but with the amount of times you ask it, we're always tempted to just say yes and get it over with. We don't know if you'll hate us if we do, but we're tempted anyway, because we have to reassure you time and time again that we don't hate you. I know you need reassurance, but sometimes, I think you want it more than you really do. You need to be reassured that you're pretty or likable, or something like that. Frankly, it does get annoying sometimes – when we tell you you're pretty, we're not lying. What would we gain from lying about that? Our lying, if you think we are, results in what I'll start calling a “non-gain.” We gain nothing from it, so you don't have to ask us about it every time, especially if you're not going to listen when we say it. Let me get this out now – there have been countless times that you have been signed on AIM. Never once have you been the first person to send me an IM, and half the time, when I do say something to you, you don't respond.

I've debated with myself for a while on whether I want to say this to you or not. I decided that it [needs] to be said, whether you or I like it or not, because if it doesn't get said, it never will, and everything will go on like this for... forever, basically. We'll live our lives being friends and be unhappy with the way we all treat each other. I'm not saying it might happen – it [will] happen, and unless we do something about this now, it will not be a very good experience... for any of us.

I've talked about this for a while with Tegan, and really, I wouldn't have come to the decision to send this without her. But we can't go on pretending like nothing is wrong – you know something is wrong, and I'm sure you would like to find out what. Not that you've ever asked or anything; you seem to devote the time to wonder what's wrong in talking with people who aren't the main problem. That's the thing, though. You don't openly confront anyone without asking the question “do you hate me.” Like I said before, that's not a great way to start a conversation, and it's obviously not a great way to treat your friends. And you can't say that you don't treat us badly – you do, because you shouldn't ignore your friends like you do; and yes, you do ignore your friends, whether you like being led to that conclusion or not. We [try] to talk to you, but do you ever hear, actually [hear] us? Or are you too busy concentrating on where Lauren is, what she's saying, who she's talking to? I wonder about this a lot, because it never actually seems like you're listening to us. You can't complain that I don't talk to you – it's like you've put on earmuffs, and the entire world is dulled except for Lauren.

I've talked to Lauren about sending this also, so you can't go complaining about what I've said. She's fine with it. None of this is being said behind anyone's back – I've made sure of that. I don't go around complaining about people to other people that are [uninvolved]. If I have a problem with someone, I will take it up with them, even if it is delayed. I don't complain to other people and ask if the people I'm complaining about hate me. For one, it will get passed on; it always does, after all.

So, to the more harsh part. I don't really want to say it like this, but like I said before, it needs to get said. With that, I'll proceed. The world does not revolve around you, it never did. Believe it or not, but there are other people that we're friends with with more pressing issues than your low self-esteem and the fact that you don't want to go to choir. Did you know? Music is supposed to help people feel better. You're just so engrossed in yourself that you don't even realize that.

I have a feeling that this is going to make you cry, or even make you very upset. It's not that I don't care (though I do feel a little apathetic about it all), it just... with the repetition that I've been using throughout this whole thing, it needs to be said. The whole meaning of friendship is communication. You don't communicate with us, but you expect us to know what's wrong with you all the time. It's not hard to tell when you're upset – you put on the sad, depressed face whenever you are. But, when you told Lauren that there wasn't anything she could do to help when [she asked what was wrong], that kind of took the cake for it all.

If you're upset about something, you don't put on the sad, puppy-dog look, especially if you don't think [your friends] can do anything to help. I don't know if Jenny wants to be mentioned in this, but I think this also needs to be said. There was one day... [one day] where Jenny looked depressed. We couldn't do anything to help her without making her more upset... But I think she realized that we depend on her happiness to keep ourselves going, and she cheered up some. You, on the other hand, don't try to be happy. You know, there's Izard's theory? Izard states that if you're depressed and you smile, you [will feel better]. But you don't try, so you stay like that.

People feel better when they talk to other people. You don't try to talk to other people. We end up here. I'm sick of reassuring you, because your own form of reassurance is non-existent. You ask for reassurance, but don't provide any for anyone else. How does that make people feel? Can you even answer that truthfully? You'll never know. I think you should think over everything I've said here for a few days. Think about it deeply and seriously. Maybe then you'll be able to think of the answers. But don't [ever] try to convince me that what I've said here is wrong, because you and everyone else know it isn't.



Her Response:

Now you might have thought I would start crying,or that I would be insanely depressed. Oh and before I begin (sorry for all grammar error's if I don't catch them) But, I did the exact opposite, believe it or not I smiled. You aren't wrong in what you said. I won't ever let you take it back.

Well, I'll start with the Lauren part first, since you did as well. For awhile yes, I did focus on Lauren. Earlier in the year when I did talk with you and Tegan, I got resentment. I don't think you know this, or if you do know this it explains a little. With you depending on the day you seem to like me, and show that you care, but then turn hostile the very next day. You would give me cruel comments, along with glares. So it makes me believe you are just faking it, and don't like me. You did it to Shapes, and I've seen you act nice one day but cruel the next with her. I'd assume that it was no different, and I felt that I couldn't trust you anymore. Not only that but you ever notice just in general when you talk with someone, and they give you sarcasm it hurts? They wouldn't know because they just assumed it was a joke. Sometimes your sarcasm sounds nothing like humor and is flat out mean. I don't even know if your being sarcastic or not.

With Tegan it was different. When I did talk with her slowly but surely, when I did try to talk she would still remain quiet, and get no response. I really didn't know this at the time, but I guess that's just what happened. I couldn't find anything to talk with her about, couldn't find a certain ground that we were connecting. Nothing. Eventually I gave up.

In a way I clung to Lauren because she was one person that I thought was treating me like a friend. To me, the both of you, I thought I was just another person tagging along, nothing more. It seems I jump to conclusions but I've seen you've done it as well.

Remember a couple nights ago I was going to tell you about Quarantine? You immediately assumed I was going to bash silent hill, and say it (Quarantine) was better. You didn't give me a chance, and you've done it other times too. I did respond back to what you said. I remember because I glanced at the bottom waiting for about 3 minutes for you to reply. You didn't. Along with memories, the day I asked where Lauren was, and you told me as said before I thought you stopped considering me a friend and like an acquaintance replied.

The "Do you hate me?" question. When was the last time you heard me ask that recently? I haven't done it in quite awhile, and I stopped the day Tegan and I talked on the phone and she told me that was a stupid question. (Which was around December)And ever since I developed some self-esteem I'll tell you right now. I KNOW I'm pretty, it took me so long to realize that, but I guess since January I'm able to look in a mirror and say "Hello Gorgeous"

I haven't come to any of you, because here's the thing. Maybe you guys don't know it, but you say I'm absorbed in myself. You guys can,(and at time are) be mean. I've heard it from quite a few people that are your friends. The looks you give are saying that "this is a waste of time I don't want to hear it." The fact that you mock me. The time when I was upset one weekend and wrote a journal on DA. I heard from John Jew-face, and Tegan you and Lauren were making fun of me. Also in walking Gym today, Jew-Face and Lauren were right behind me and were laughing at the fact I was crying.

You've made fun of Jew-Face, and again Shapes about their problems. Again why should I expect anything different if I were to talk to you about the problem? Yes, maybe you don't like them. But if you treat me the same way I think I'm next. As you can obviously tell I'm paranoid,and overly sensitive. I can't help those things, I seriously can't and don't ever dare to say yest it can. It's me.

I am sorry, I didn't know I was ignoring you guys. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, when any of you pass in the halls I really don't notice many people. And when you guys give me reassurance, You guys probably don't notice. But I do try, Yes I do, I TRY to find out whats going on with you guys and help out if I can. Whenever one of you are upset, you know and I know it very well, I seriously truly SUCK at comforting a person. Never in my entire have I ever really comforted a person after talking to them. I doubt I've helped any of you.

When I was talking to John today, he told me all this before hand. What I should do,though it's easier to play out in the mind, but when it's the real thing every word is something that was wasted and has fallen flat on the ground.

If I'm upset, the truth is I wallow in self-pity. I won't deny it. Smiling when i'm upset, when you feel you have no one. Yeah, I won't smile, doesn't matter. I don't try to talk because I can't word out what I want to say, so I'm in a jumbled mess and make the issue greater.

I don't have anything to say anymore, (No actually that's a lie) but i'm glad that I'm aware of your side. Maybe, but I have a feeling you will all. Only stick to your side, and won't even put my side into consideration or understand. This was probably a waste of time. I'm sorry that I hurt you guys. I didn't know, but being ignorant isn't an excuse.



My Response to hers:

You know, believe it or not, most of the stuff you said wasn't true either. I have never once glared at you, for one. Sorry if you think I did, but I didn't. And you're also over-exaggerating my "mood swings," as I guess we'll call them. Have you ever noticed that when I'm "hostile," something bad has always happened right before that? Or did you not even care to ask? And with the sarcasm thing? I'm sarcastic with everything I say. If you think that I would be so cruel as to do that to someone, then you definitely don't have a very good view of me, and obviously don't know me very well at all.

Also, have you noticed that I say what's necessary to keep neutral on both sides? Or were you too busy thinking that I was glaring at you and being hostile? With Tegan: last year, you two were always talking, so you can't say she didn't respond. And you probably don't know Tegan all that well either if you can't find one thing to talk about with her. With me, you basically were another person tagging along, and I'll tell you why. Before this year, you made no effort to talk to me: you were always talking to Tegan or Lauren. So when it comes to this, I'm able to say what I need to. I've just stopped caring about your reaction.

And the Quarantine thing? Like I said that day, when someone talks about a movie, and mentions how you should watch it because it's good, and you bring up a different movie that the person knows is good, they're going to immediately get defensive. Believe it or not, it's a part of the psyche: people use defense mechanisms. And the three minutes that I didn't reply? That's how I felt every time when I would IM you and you wouldn't say anything, and then I would find out from someone else that you were talking to them the entire time. And the day you asked where Lauren was? I was still making an effort to talk to you. When you basically ignored me after I replied, I realized that it was a lost cause.

Actually, I haven't heard the "do you hate me" question in a while. Want to know why? You should already know, but I'll tell you anyway: it's because, oh! you haven't been talking to me, because you've been seeing Lauren as God.

And let's face it now: You have your fair share of hostility. Take the snow day for example. I did nothing wrong. I was tired because I had gotten up at five o'clock in the morning and I just wanted to sleep. When you tell someone to sleep somewhere because whoever is sleeping there will feel uncomfortable, that's rude. Want to know why? How can you just assume that the person you're telling to sleep somewhere won't be just as uncomfortable as anyone else? Oh, right, you can't. That's just rude to do that. And then when you say that someone is glaring at you like you said to me that night? I'll have you know that that's my normal look. I'm sorry if you think I'm glaring at you, but certain people's facial features cause their expressions to look different. That's just a way of life.

We say you're absorbed in yourself because you are. You put on your most miserable face and come around us, and when we ask what's wrong, what do you do? You tell us nothing, and continue to act depressed. And here's another thing: we don't make fun of you because you're upset. We get irritated with you when you make it open that you're upset and then reject our help when we offer it. And about the gym thing? Don't ever think that I have control over other people's actions. I didn't tell them to laugh at you because you were crying -- I didn't even know you were crying. To even mention that right now is to say that, in Kayla's mom's words, "i'm controlling people through telepathy and making them do things."

And the Eric thing? Yes, I have said that he's a jerk, because it's true, and you know it's true, because you've said he's a jerk also. Do I make fun of him? No, and once again, to assume that is just rude. The Kayla thing? I never once made fun of her for her problems. I've talked about her problems, yes, but I've never made fun of them. When people talk to me about any problems they have with me, it's nice, and I like it, even if their problems aren't all that nice to hear. You have never brought up any of the problems you have with me.

And again? You don't notice anyone passing you in the hall because you're too busy looking for Lauren. I've seen you, you know? Looking over people's shoulders for her. You did it to me that one day, and you do it all the time. And the comforting thing? You don't need to comfort people when they're upset. That's only half of what needs to be done. To really worry about a person, to ask them what's wrong even if they pretend that nothing's wrong, that's what the other half is, and that in itself is comforting, even if someone doesn't openly show that.

You've asked me once what was wrong. Then, you probably don't remember what you did next -- you turned and started talking to Lauren. You didn't wait to see if I would respond, you just automatically assumed that I wouldn't. Believe it or not, but people do the same thing to you that you do to them. But I've tried asking what's wrong. You've responded nothing, and I've kept trying. And every time, you give no sign that you're relieved that someone cares about you. Or is that what you mean when you said we were just "acquaintances?" People who hardly know you don't ask what's wrong and mean it, though. So like I said before, you obviously don't know me too well.

If you're upset, you don't have to speak to a person face to face. You can do what I'm doing now -- vent everything in a message, and if you don't like it, scrap it and try it again. And smiling when you're upset? Like I said before: Izard's theory. Because you don't even try to smile, you're always upset, and you'll stay like that until you do something about it.

And you're aware of my side? It's the side that practically everyone has taken. I've tried to take your side into consideration, and you know what I've gotten because of that? Disappointment. It makes me feel great that you don't trust me, and I'm sure everyone else feels that way too.



Her response:

okay woah, woah woah! Half the stuff you said is nothing in what I was telling you. I never said you control people, I was giving examples. Now you are flipping words around Kass. And reading this portion you obviously don't know me well either.

If I'm looking around it's not immediately Lauren. My world doesn't revolve around Lauren, it never has and it never will. As I said in the last post she was the only person I can see as a friend at the time.

To the Tegan thing. This is recent, not all this time, once again you are assuming the worst out of this, and arranging things around. This is why I hate talking online on arguments. Again with the "Do you hate me?" I haven't said it since December so it has nothing to do with the no talking deal.

You said I need time to think about the message. I can say the exact same thing to you.

And I'm not going to go on another one of these explanations cause once again you will assume it is something completely different.



My response:

You know what? Yeah, I don't know you, and I don't think I ever have. You say you want to be my friend and wonder why I never talk to you. Okay, I've tried to be your friend, and like you said before, you thought we were only acquaintances. Please stop calling me Kass -- that's a term of endearment, and you obviously don't see us as friends, so you don't have the right to call me that.

But you asked why we've been ignoring you, and why we're mad at you, and all that stuff. I told you why in the note that I first sent you. You claim it's my "side" of the story -- it's not a story and it's everyone else's side too, except for a select few because they don't want to get involved. And the "do you hate me" question? Just because I haven't heard it doesn't mean you haven't asked it, and don't try to deny it, because it'll be futile.

And really, if you're going to use examples, use what I do when you're talking to me, not what others do. I have no control over their actions, so there's not even a point for it. I mentioned other people because at the beginning, this was basically the neutral note from all of us. Since then, it's become more of my feelings toward you, but everyone else's views stay the same. However, there have only been two people that I have mentioned directly -- Tegan, because she deserves to be heard, and Jenny because she was an example for a person acting happy to be happy.

And for you seeing Lauren as your only friend at the time? Maybe that wasn't our fault. I have never once had you come up to me and ask for advice or anything -- you've always gone to Lauren or one of your online buddies.

And again with the not taking your problems up with the person you have problems with. Since when did you think Cory wanted to be involved in this? She doesn't, and everyone knows it. Like I said before, you're too consumed with yourself to notice something like that. If you have a problem with me, take it up with me.

And on here, I have not once lied. To do that would be to make everything I've written seem like a joke. You don't have a problem with that, though, do you? I don't appreciate you lying about "smiling when you read the note" and then saying that I'm sending you a nasty note. I have tried to be civil this entire time, but with you taking everything bascially as a joke, because that's how I'm taking it. And you can't say I'm taking it out of context either -- I know how I'm taking it.

You want to know what the problem is? We grew up, and you stayed the same. You're still immature, clingy, and a drama queen. I don't really care if this note is nasty or not anymore. With that note, I was giving you the chance to patch up our friendship. You have lied to me since that first small little paragraph of your reply. Believe it or not, but I've given up on any more chances. I gave you the chance to fix our friendship, and you basically threw that back in my face. You think you're all high and mighty, saying I'm taking everything out of context and whatso. I'm not, and I haven't been. I thought about your reply for a while before I responded, if you really want to know.

You want to know what the problem is? Really know? You don't understand a thing, and until you grow up, you will never understand. Ooh, harsh, I know, but I don't care any more. This was never meant to be nasty, but it was meant to be a reality check. Anyone else would understand that. You, however, seem to have taken it as a joke.